Six Years As Mama

Today, at 4:51pm I gave birth to my sweet, beautiful, stubborn daughter. Even then she knew what she wanted and no one could stop her. She came even with my bloodstream pumped with medications to prevent her from arriving 2 months early. She came anyways. And she was in my arms. I was in awe of her tiny-ness and her beauty...her strength and her delicateness.

Oh she was precious.

She was my sweet baby.

The baby I had wanted for so long.

And now...

...she is SIX years old.

SIX!!!!

Wow, time flies.

Recently I heard someone saying, "The days are long, but the years are short."

I remember thinking that was so poignant. It's so true. There are days I can't wait for them to all be asleep so I can finally get a moment to rest! But then I miss them...and their laughter, their hugs and their soft plump kissable cheeks.

Now that my firstborn is six, the reality of growing up seems to be sinking in.

Five was a milestone, but it was just five. Now, six seems so much more of a big deal!

Maybe it's me, but today I have been feeling so many bittersweet emotions.

I love watching her grow and learn and turn more and more into the amazing little lady she is growing into.

But at the same time, her baby days become fainter and fainter....those distant memories of baby feet and cheeks, of her smell and the noises she used to make are all memories now.

I treasure her {and all three of my kiddos} every day...on the good and hard days...so I can really remember them forever.

Happy Birthday Beautiful Maddie!!!

We love you SO VERY MUCH!

Melancholy Mama Moment

I sometimes get so sad that there are so many, many things my children say and do that I won't remember. I wish I could capture all these moments somehow...they are just so beyond precious and silly and infuriatingly wonderful...I love them more than words can say and I want to remember their little kiddo-ness forever...

Eating a mini cake on Christmas Eve

Devouring his mini cake...in the end both of them only ate about 1/4 of it

Elsa at Christmas dinner

Oh yep, that's her middle finger...too funny!

The day we put up our tree...

This Mama's {Afternoon} Prayer

Dear Universe,
I have rested here beside my baby, it has been lovely. Yet, now I am awake and baby is not, and is obvisouly not ready to wake up yet. I have things I want to do while my baby is still napping, things I need to do, actually. So please, please be on my side and help my baby stay asleep as I ever so slowly and quietly remove myself from my baby's side...step down the stairs, avoiding the creaky spots...and reach my destination. Please muffle any noises, as slight as they may be, so that my baby doesn't wake up prematurely...cause goodness knows a baby who is woken up before they are ready, is not a happy one. Also, if you could guide and steady my hand as I complete my tasks to prevent any clumsy, cumbersome movements that may result in disturbing noises, I would greatly appreciate it. Help my older kiddos to wake up calmly from their naps, as in not screaming at the top of their lungs, cause well, that's pretty loud, potentially wake-up-the-baby kind of loud. Oh and one last thing, if I may be so bold, if you could somehow stretch time out so that I am able to accomplish a lot in a little time, that would be most helpful {because I'm sure my baby will wake up before I have done all I need to do}.

Ever gratefully,
Kat

Re-Thinking "Time-Outs"

I needed to go to the grocery store. Isaac was of course pantless, isn't he always? So I told him, "Put your pants on" and the tantrum began. When he cries, he doesn't just whine, he lets it all out. Yelling, kicking, and more yelling. All because of pants. Boy. I could feel my blood pressure rising, I wanted to send him to his room . Except I didn't. Instead, I sat there on the floor with him and held him. He clawed at me, he tried to bite and hit me he kept yelling. It was lots of fun. Ha. Bu I just kept whispering in his ear, "I love you, it's OK." And he would swat at me some more. Just when I thought I couldn't take it anymore, he started to calm down. Through his near hyperventilating he began to say, "Mommy, I just need a hug." So I hugged him and just like that all was well again. And he put on his pants without fussing.

Wow.

I seriously am rethinking my approach to tantrums.

I have heard of the term "Time-In" before, but honestly never really considered it. Time-Outs the way we do them {non-reactionary, as gentle as possible and talking about what happened after} appeared to be working. Appeared, but the reality is that they weren't, even with all the accompanying parenting. The behaviour that led to them continued to happen {whether it was the next day or within 5 minutes} and they didn't really solve the issue as the kiddo was left feeling rejected and un-well.. So needless to say, we were starting to feel near our rope's end. After all we are in this phase so many like to call "The Terrible Two's".

In preparation for a Parenting workshop I am facilitating next month, I've been doing a lot of reading and re-reading of pertinent material. And working on what I plan to include in the workshop material. I knew I wanted to incorporate the experience I had with Isaac, but I wasn't even sure what had happened and why it worked.

In my search, I came across the blog Super Protective Factor (the blog for the Hand in Hand Parenting foundation) and read about Staylistenng. It really intrigued me. The critic in me thought, "That would never work with my kiddos." But I was wrong. As I saw with Isaac the other day, it really did work and was exactly what he needed.

They have several other techniques, all with the purpose to enhance the parent-child connection. Right up my alley! Some of the techniques, I was already familiar with, but this staylistening concept really opened up my eyes and heart, because it demanded more of me, or at least challenged my current beliefs and approach on tantrums and misbehaviour.

I love challenging myself and allowing myself to grow as a parent {and as a person}. I am hoping to take one of the parenting classes they offer to learn more.

I am really excited to keep working on this! Their techniques seems to work with Maddie too {surprise, surprise!} so I am looking forward to see how this affects our home environment more long-term.

I'll keep you posted!

So, are you sure you want to do "cry it out"?

I wrote this post because I wanted to share my perspective on crying it out. As a student of Psychology and Neuroscience, a Life Coach, a supporter of Attachment Parenting, but most importantly as a Mama...this is what I want to share with you about this topic...

When you were pregnant...

You didn't eat sushi
You didn't smoke or expose yourself to second-hand smoke
You avoided sliced deli meat
And you even suffered through that darn allergic reaction to your Aunt's cat, just because you didn't want to take an allergy pill.

Why?

Because you wanted your little fetus to thrive.
Because you didn't want to risk exposing your baby to harmful crap...you didn't want to risk negatively affecting your baby's health and development...even if that risk was close to zero. After all it's your beautiful baby.

Now that your baby is born {Yay! Did you ever imagine you would be so in love!?}...

You don't smoke or expose your baby to second-hand smoke...
You make sure soothers and bottles and anything else that might end up in baby's mouth is clean...
You make sure your baby is properly fed, warm and comfy...
You talk, sing and read to your baby...
You make sure your baby gets lots of kisses, cuddles and toe-tickling-raspberries...
And you made sure all sharp and dangerous objects are out of reach...

Why?

Because you want your baby to thrive.
Because you want your baby to develop and grow and be happy and healthy. You wouldn't dream of doing anything to negatively affect your sweet baby, would you?

Then why are you letting your baby "cry it out"?

Why!?

Did you investigate this method thoroughly before you decided to go ahead? Did you consider what, if any, effects this could have on your baby...and on you? Did you consider this decision through your baby's eyes? Did you know that exposure to stress affects an infant's brain development?

And what causes a baby stress?

Well I can tell you one thing that does: being left alone to "cry it out".

Why?

Because a baby feels scared, abandoned, tired, and that their needs are not being met. This would be stressful to any adult, let alone a new little human who can't speak or be reasoned with.

But it's only a few minutes you say?

Well those few minutes add up.

And be careful. Don't be fooled into thinking that this is a one-time deal. If you do "cry it out", you are encouraged to "keep at it"...to "not give in"...

And just when you think it's over and you will all be sleeping well...your baby gets a cold, or starts teething or goes through a growth spurt--and it all goes out the window--and you have to start from square one.

But it's worth it if it makes them be a good sleeper you say?

Oh really, is it? For who?

For you? I don't think so. You feel awful, listening to your baby cry and cry and ignoring the urge to go in there and scoop them up. Eventually, you just can't bear it, so you turn off the monitor. Sometimes, you even turn on music. Ouch. That's got to leave a mark. A deep, parenting-guilt mark. It sure did for me...with my first baby, when I was a novice mama, who thought I had to do it. And I only did it once. And I sat there right outside the door, trying not to cry myself. After four {long} minutes I caved. I just didn't have the stomach for it. And I know deep down neither do you...and this totally doesn't mean you loose points. Ignoring your baby's cry for a prolonged amount of time has got to also affect you. Perhaps this will affect the way you bond with your baby. Perhaps it will make you less responsive to your baby in the future. Perhaps this will mean that the way you discipline and interact with your child as they grow will be tainted with that slight, seemingly invisible mark. Perhaps.

Is it worth it for your baby? Definitely not. Any amount of stress, especially prolonged, is damaging. We know stress is damaging for adults. Doesn't your doctor always tell you to reduce stress. So why wouldn't it be damaging to a baby? Well it is. It's damaging to your little baby's developing brain. Why? Because it's so amazingly busy making all those intricate and important neural pathways that will be the groundwork--the foundation-- for all future learning, behaviour, likes and dislikes...all the things that will make the future little kid and adult your baby will be one day. Stress affects that. Is it worth to mess with something so fundamental? Even if it was a minimal effect, would it be worth it? And even if we ignore the potential brain-damaging effects, what about the way your baby will feel about it's caregivers? What will the baby who is left alone to cry it out to sleep learn about those that are supposed to be meeting their most basic needs? What will that do to the bond and relationship between baby and mama {papa, perhaps}? At the very least, it will make baby confused...perhaps apprehensive...definitely cranky and clingy.

But they say crying it out isn't harmful you say? That there is no real evidence that it's bad?

Who's they?

Is it the wolf-in-sheep-skin author of that book you just read?

Is it your pediatrician who went to medschool and residency to learn about how to make sick kids better, and who probably knows little-to-nothing about actually raising kiddos? Or if he or she does have kids, perhaps they did cry it out and know of no other ways to get babies to sleep, so that's all they've got?

Trust me, the advice to do "cry it out" is not some amazing, remarkable or even groundbreaking medical discovery. Though the proponents of this method would sure like you to believe it is.

You are the mother. You know your baby best.

If you tell me your deep-age-old-mama-wisdom tells you it's OK to let your baby "cry it out", then I will say no more.

But I doubt it will.

You may think that voice in your head telling you to sleep train your baby is yours--your instinct...your mama wisdom. But I'm willing to bet good money that it it's not. It's society's voice. It's that "expert" who you read about. It's your mom or mother in law or a well-meaning parent at the playground. And the voice in their head is not their inner wisdom voice either.

Because who actually wants to leave an innocent, little baby to cry...to cry unattended? The whole design of crying is to make caregivers want to pick the crying baby up!!! It totally goes against mother-nature's wisdom.

And as for the argument that some babies need to be left to cry because it's the only way they will go to sleep...well that might be the case for some {few} babies. But those babies probably don't actually cry. They may fuss for all of 15 seconds. And if that's what they need, they need not do it alone. They can cry to relieve their stress in the arms of a caring parent or caregiver. After all, doesn't the expression go: "a shoulder to cry on"? We humans are extremely social beings and so we need the support of others in good times and not-so-good times. When was the last time you wanted to be alone when you had something to celebrate or you received some bad news?

Just because some babies respond well to falling asleep on their own {and who may fuss or slightly cry for a very short amount of time}, should we be made to believe that all babies should be or can be that way? And that minutes and minutes of crying are the same {or no worse} than fussing for a short amount of time?

Nope.

Heck, babies have personalities to and they respond to and like different things. But darn, it would be nice for us exhausted parents if all babies just slept great and with minimal effort from day one!

But the reality is that most babies aren't even developmentally ready to fall asleep on their own, let alone sleep through the night, until they are much older. What does "developmentally ready" mean? It means that their brain isn't quite ready to allow for this function to happen naturally and at the normal time it should for that particular baby.

So don't worry if your baby needs your help to fall asleep at 3 months or {gasp} even at 10 months..or whatever age. It's OK. This also doesn't mean that you can't help your baby start to like sleeping, to fall asleep easily on their own, or to associate sleep with good-happy feelings {yes baby! bedtime is gooood!}. I promise your baby will one day sleep through the night and you will remember these tiring days with a fondness you wouldn't think would be there. But if you want to encourage things along, there are ways to do this without all the heart-wrenching and tears, without splintering the bond between mama and babe...and without potentially damaging that amazing little growing brain.

Cause all we want for our babies is for them to thrive...right?

I promise there are ways. So just look for them in a book {ha, it rhymes!} that uses gentle, bond-enhancing ways to get little ones to sleep. All you have to do is open your heart. And don't be afraid to seek out and ask like-minded parents about them. We are out there and we are more than willing to share what worked for us.

But most importantly, hold your little one close. And never believe that by holding your baby close you are doing any harm. Because all too soon, you will have to let go. Because all too soon your little one will be no more--so hold on to your little one because the big kid {and adult} your baby will turn out to be is in the making in the here and now.

Belly Sleeping

I love sleeping on my belly. Elsa must have inherited this from me. She loves it. She is sleeping and will start squirming incessantly. I then wake up and see this, I try to nurse her...nope...I try to give her the soother, nope...I try to rub her belly to see if she has a fart, nope...the squirming continues. So one night not too long ago, out of sheer desperation, I rolled her over to her belly and voila! She was still. And she slept for a few hours. Hours. Hmmm...a freak-one-time-occurrence I thought. Nope. She loves it, and now that she's a bit stronger I can see in her squirming she is trying to roll over onto her tummy. So I help her and we all sleep great.

Yes, I know, babies are not supposed to sleep on their bellies. But what if that's what a baby needs? Obviously she knows she needs this as it's the only way she'll sleep. So I think this is where you just got to go with your mama gut. And I have decided to go with her lead. And I will do all I can to help her sleep safely and comfortably: firm mattress, no blankets or pillows or cute little stuffed animals around her, and a well-ventilated area. Check. {Plus I have my video monitor now too}.

And I will enjoy the wonderful long lengths of time I get to sleep.

Knowledge and Instinct

Welcome to the July Carnival of Natural Parenting: Parenting Philosophy
This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama. This month our participants have shared their parenting practices and how they fit in with their parenting purpose. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.
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"When you know better, you do better"

- Maya Angelou

I had to think about this topic a bit. I had all these ideas and thoughts about what my parenting philosophy is, but then I realized it was actually quite simple.

When it comes to my parenting philosophy, the quote above pretty much sums it up for me.

I started out my journey as a parent, without knowing all that much about actual parenting. But something within me had the drive to learn, to ask questions, to not take things as is, but instead to question the status quo when it didn't feel right. I suppose I could say this stems from way, way back because as a child I was always encouraged to explore, learn and always ask questions. But most importantly to always be myself and to always find a way to be able to express that, even when it wasn't seen by society as the ideal or encouraged response.

So when my beautiful daughter came into the world five years ago, that part of me naturally seemed to extend into my parenting...the way I was to be a mother. I remember when she was in the NICU as a newborn, I started seeing my mothering side come out in the way I would follow my instincts and want to hold her skin-to-skin for hours on end even when it wasn't what the nurses would have liked (for their convenience). And as she grew, my trust in my instinct and my drive to follow it also grew. But I also had a drive to learn.

Of course I made mistakes, I still do. But like the quote above, it's in striving to know better that we can do better. If we don't ask questions, we can't learn. And if we don't learn, then we might keep making mistakes.

I truly believe that as parents, we all want the best for our children. And we each have our own ways of knowing what that is. Every family is unique and grows in its own way. So you can't apply a parenting style or parenting technique to everyone. But, there is a common thread in raising happy, healthy children: having love, respect, acceptance and encouragement. Children who feel and experience this, flourish. It's like having a garden. The garden itself can look very different from home to home, but what makes it grow big and beautiful is the nourishing soil and the knowledge and patience of the gardener to care for the plants.

I do truly feel that our instincts are very powerful and important, and when we are tuned into them it is a truly empowering way to make decisions and live our lives. But we also need to be able to be willing to learn and educate ourselves {and our children} so that we may always be improving and growing.

So I suppose my parenting philosophy boils down to:
- Ask a lot of questions and encourage your children to as well
- Have a thirst for knowledge!
- Respect yourself and respect your children

but most importantly...

Have a home that is full of love, acceptance and encouragement!

And I hope that this will lay the important foundation for my children to be able to have meaningful, loving, intimate relationships and live their lives with a happy heart.


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Visit Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!
Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:
(This list will be live and updated by afternoon July 12 with all the carnival links.)

• Between Love and Fear: On Raising our Children Sensibly — Mamma Earthly at Give an Earthly discusses the fear factor in parenting and how she overcame it, despite societal pressures.
• really, when do i get my cape? — Sarah at small bird on fire is a working city mama trying to learn how to set aside her expectations of perfection and embrace the reality of modern parenting.
• Baby, Infant, and Toddler Wearing — Child wearing is part of Sarah at Nourished and Nurtured's parenting philosophy. In this post, Sarah describes benefits of child-wearing and gives tips for wearing babies, infants, and toddlers (even while pregnant).
• First Year Reflections — As her daughter's first birthday approaches, Holly at First Year Reflections reflects on how she and her husband settled into attachment parenting after initially doing what they thought everyone else did.
• Making an allowance — Lauren at Hobo Mama welcomes a guest post from Sam about the unexpected lessons giving a four-year-old an allowance teaches the child — and the parent.
• How to be a Lazy Parent and Still Raise Great Kids — Lisa at Granola Catholic talks about how being a Lazy Parent has helped her to raise Great Kids.
• Philosophy in Practice — Laura at A Pug in the Kitchen shares how her heart shaped the parenting philosophy in her home.
• What is Attachment Parenting Anyway? — Gaby at Tmuffin describes the challenges of putting a label on her parenting philosophy.
• Of Parenting Styles — Jenny at Chronicles of a Nursing Mom talks about how she and her husband tailored various parenting styles to fit their own preferred parenting philosophy.
• Moment by Moment Parenting — Amy at Peace 4 Parents encourages those who care for children (including herself) to explore and appreciate parenting moment-by-moment with clarity, intention, trust, and action.
• Maintaining Spirituality in the Midst of Everyday Parenting, Marriage, and Life — Sarah at Nourished and Nurtured shares her perspective on finding opportunities for spiritual growth in every day life.
• Parenting Philosophy — Lily, aka Witch Mom's parenting philosophy is to raise child(ren) to be compassionate, loving, inquisitive, and questioning adults who can be trusted to make decisions for themselves in a way that avoids harming others.
• Long Term — Rosemary at Rosmarinus Officinalis thinks about who she would like to see her daughter become — and what she can do now to lay a strong foundation for those hopes.
• Connection, Communication, Compassion — She's come a long way, baby! After dropping her career in favour of motherhood, Patti at Jazzy Mama discovered that building solid relationships was going to be her only parenting priority.
• My Parenting Inspirations - Part 4 — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama looks at her biggest parenting inspiration and how that translates into her long-term parenting philosophy.
• A Parenting Philosophy in One Word: Respect — Jenn at Monkey Butt Junction summarizes her parenting and relationship philosophy in one word: respect.
• Knowledge and Instinct — Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment believes that knowledge and instinct are super important … as are love, encouragement and respect. It's the ideal combo needed to raise happy and healthy children and in turn create meaningful relationships with them.
• THRIVE! — The Sparkle Mama wants to set a tone of confidence, abundance, and happiness in her home that will be the foundation for the rest of her daughter's life.
• On Children — "Your children are not your children," say Kahlil Gibran and Hannah at Wild Parenting.
• This One Life Together — Ariadne aka Mudpiemama shares her philosophy of parenting: living fully in the here and now and building the foundation for a happy and healthy life.
• Enjoying life and planning for a bright future — Olivia at Write About Birth shares her most important parenting dilemmas and pours out her heart about past trauma and how healing made her a better parent.
• My Parenting Philosophy: Unconditional and Natural Love — Charise at I Thought I Knew Mama shares what she has learned about her parenting philosophy from a year of following her instincts as a mama.
• An open letter to my children — Isil at Smiling Like Sunshine writes an open letter to her children.
• My Starter Kit for Unconditional Parenting — Sylvia at MaMammalia discusses her wish to raise a good person and summarizes some of the nontraditional practices she's using with her toddler son in order to fulfill that wish.
• Responsiveness — Sheila at A Gift Universe has many philosophies and goals, but what it all boils down to is responsiveness: listening to what her son wants and providing what he needs.
• Tools for Creating Your Parenting Philosophy — Have you ever really thought about your parenting purpose? Knowing your long-term goals can help you parent with more intent in your daily interactions. Dionna at Code Name: Mama offers exercises and ideas to help you create your own parenting philosophy.
• Be a Daisy — Becky at Old New Legacy philosophizes about individuality and how she thinks it's important for her daughter's growth.
• What's a Mama to Do? — Amyables at Toddler in Tow hopes that her dedication to compassionate parenting will keep her children from becoming too self-critical as adults.
• grown-up anxieties. — Laura at Our Messy Messy Life explains her lone worry concerning her babies growing up.
• Why I Used Montessori Principles in My Parenting Philosophy — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now tells why she chose Montessori principles to help her now-adult children develop qualities she wanted to see in them as children and adults.
• Parenting Philosophies & Planning for the Future — Momma Jorje considers that the future is maybe just a fringe benefit of doing what feels right now.
• Not Just Getting Through — Rachael at The Variegated Life asks what truths she hopes to express even in the most commonplace interactions with her son.
• Parenting Philosophy? Eh... — Ana at Pandamoly shares the philosophy (or lack thereof) being employed to (hopefully) raise a respectful, loving, and responsible child.
• Parenting Philosophy: Being Present — Shannon at The Artful Mama discusses the changes her family has made to accommodate their parenting philosophy and to reflect their ideals as working parents.
• Who They Will Be — Amanda at Let's Take the Metro shares a short list of some qualities she hopes she is instilling in her children at this very moment.
• Short Term vs. Long Term — Sheryl at Little Snowflakes recounts how long term parenting goals often get lost in the details of everyday life with two kids.
• Parenting Philosophy: Practicing and Nurturing Peace — Terri at Child of the Nature Isle sets personal goals for developing greater peace.
• Yama Niyama & the Red Pajama Mama — Part 1: The Yamas — In part 1 of a set of posts by Zoie at TouchstoneZ, Zoie guest posts at Natural Parents Network about how the Yoga Sutras provide a framework for her parenting philosophy.
• Yama Niyama & the Red Pajama Mama — Part 2: The Niyamas — In part 2 of a set of posts by Zoie at TouchstoneZ, Zoie explores how the Niyamas (one of the eight limbs in traditional Yoga) help her maintain her parenting and life focus.
• Our Sample Parenting Plan — Chante at My Natural Motherhood Journey shares hopes of who her children will become and parenting strategies she employs to get them there.
• Philosophical Parenting: Letting Go — Jona at Life, Intertwined ponders the notion that there's no right answer when it comes to parenting.
• Unphilosophizing? — jessica at instead of institutions wonders about the usefulness of navel gazing.
• Parenting Sensitively — Amy at Anktangle uses her sensitivity to mother her child in ways that both nurture and affirm.
• how to nurture your relationships — Mrs Green at Little Green Blog believes that sometimes all kids need is a jolly good listening to …
• Philosophy Of An Unnatural Parent — Dr. Sarah at Good Enough Mum sees parenting as a process of guiding her children to develop the skills they'll need.
• Life with a Challenging Kid: Hidden Blessings — Wendy at High Needs Attachment shares the challenges and joys of raising a high needs child.
• Flying by the Seat of My Pants — Heather at Very Nearly Hippy has realized that she has no idea what she's doing.

Spa Day

I went out with one of my friends today. We went to get a massage and then went out for lunch. And of course, the outing had to be peppered with a typical "Kat-ism". This time it was that I forgot my wallet. How embarrassing! I even went to pick her up, which meant I was driving without my license. I did have my cheque book in my purse, so I was able to write her a cheque right away. But still. And where is the wallet? In the diaper bag. I think I need a better system to prevent this from happening. I can't keep switching from purse to diaper bag. And I can't carry around my huge purse with a diaper bag. I think I need a small purse. Or I need a better brain!

Anyways, the massage was great. It's the first time I've ever had a pregnancy massage...with one of those tables with the holes for the belly. I can't even begin to describe how great it felt to be on my belly again. Oh it was glorious! I am a tummy sleeper and I'm having a really hard time sleeping comfortably now. One thing I did wonder during the massage was, "am I a freak or are there others out there who notice massage technique asymmetries?" For example, on one leg she would do a certain spot and then when she did the other leg she wouldn't...or on my back and neck she would do things differently on each side, so that part was left feeling a bit left out! It's not enough to bother me or to ruin my massage, but I did catch myself thinking about it a few times and I had to tell my brain to shut up and let me enjoy my massage!

Now it's back to reality.

I am glad we got to go out...especially since my friend is having her baby soon and will likely be a while before we get to do something like this again together.

I, however, am planning to go get one of those pregnancy table massages again. Oh heck yes!

A little piece of emotional humor...

I just read this on my friend's blog, Up, Down and Natural and it made me laugh and tear up all at once. I just had to share it!

It's funny, in a Tina Fey kind-of-way...which is pretty darn funny!

Tina Fey's Prayer for a Daughter

First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.

May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the Beauty.

When the Crystal Meth is offered, May she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half And stick with Beer.

Guide her, protect her When crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.

Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance.  Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes And not have to wear high heels.

What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You, because if I knew, I’d be doing it, Youdammit.

May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers.

Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen. Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, For childhood is short – a Tiger Flower blooming Magenta for one day – And adulthood is long and dry-humping in cars will wait.

O Lord, break the Internet forever, That she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers And the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.

And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it.

And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back.

“My mother did this for me once,” she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. “My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental Note to call me. And she will forget. But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes.

Amen.

(Excerpt from BossyPants by Tina Fey 2011. Copywrite Little Stranger Inc.)

Needing Something

I am beyond relieved this week is over.

OVER.

It's not that I didn't enjoy it, only that it was one of those weeks where everything seemed to take extra effort. Everything seemed to get stuck. And the kiddos demanded so much of everything, I was left without anything left to give.

Ironically, even though I was exhausted every night, I still found it hard to get to sleep. One of those being overtired things.

There was definitely stress lurking around in our home this week, and I am more than sure the kiddos picked up on it.

Ken had an exam today so the anticipation and angst about it built up over the week.

I was busy finishing my exam and working on my coaching webpage and blog.

And of course there are the never ending, always there tasks and chores that need to be done.

In reality, I'm sure next week will be just as busy, but I will take it in with a different pair of eyes.

Because...

...my kiddos are amazing

...my husband rocks my world

...and I am going to the spa with one of my awesome friends on Thursday to get a massage.

Aahhhh yes....

Simmer

I literally have seconds to say that I was going to feel guilty about wanting to sit and blog, but no, I will not feel bad that I crave a few moments of not being interrupted so I can let my thoughts simmer and come through. My kiddos' needs are many and endless. I am more than happy to meet their needs, but I have needs too. Ah, the trick of balancing it out. Of course the scales hardly ever tip in my favour, unless I intervene. Today it's about compromise.

Now I must go and tattoo their arms with jungle animals. Oh and eventually to make supper too.

Another year...

I am four days late in saying this, but...

Happy New Year!

I have been swallowed up by the feeling of holiday hibernation, among other things.

Today is the first day back to the "real" world.

And all I want to do is go back to bed. But that is always just a dream I have to set aside because that hasn't happened in eons.

Haha.

Instead we will head out to the beautiful morning and enjoy some fresh air.

Fresh air to clear out those clogged up lungs the kiddos have. Again.

Little baby feet

I was trying to remember Maddie's baby feet. How chubby they were. How soft they felt. How they moved around while I nursed her, tucking around my side and tickling my ribs. I changed her diaper one day and kissed her feet and told myself, "You have to remember these little feet. You have to. Because one day you'll see her and she will be all grown up and you'll wish she was a baby again."

I remember them, but vaguely. Memories are so liquid, if you try to hold on to them they slip away, quicker.

I look at her feet now. So big and slender. Little girl feet. Baby feet no more. And I miss her baby-self. She will never again be that.

Sometimes, it's not fair how fast they grow up.

Lost marbles...

Oh bother. I feel like such a dumb dumb. In the last couple of weeks I seem to have lost something. A marble or two perhaps?

I have worked the last few Fridays and every single shift, without fail, I make a mistake or many, on cash. Either ring in something as cash when it was debit or credit card...or can't remember the code for a product or a price or whatever. Foggy brain is the diagnosis.

Next...

I took the kiddos to have their holiday picture taken. It all went well, as well as could be expected with little Isaac. We got 3 decent pictures out of the whole shoot. 3. What do I go and do? Because I couldn't decide how many to get or what sizes I bought the copyright CD and paid $80 for THREE good pictures, that I then to pay extra to get developed.

OK well maybe the three pictures are worth it. I then check the pictures on my computer and send them off to get printed. It's not until I get them back that I realize one of them is blurry AND that I didn't get them in glossy print. They look OK, but I know they could look better. There goes another $10. I reordered them, in glossy this time, and hopefully they will look prettier. We shall see. In the meantime my holiday cards are delayed in getting mailed.

But the worst, must dumb dumb thing I have done so far is this.

On Saturday night I drove for half an hour to visit a good friend for her holiday party. I get there, park and then proceed to exit the car and shut the door. Leaving the keys safely on the passenger side seat where I left them while I grabbed my purse. What the hell!? Come on!

So I had to call our roadside assistance plan, but because I'm in the middle of nowhere {almost} they take a long time to get there and they charged me to break in to my car because it was outside the "service area". That pissed me off. The lovely visit with my friend was the only thing that helped me calm down. Sixty three dollars was worth it {that's what I keep telling myself!}.

Oh well.

The good things that are happening recently are many too...outweighing these blips.

We have our tree up. And it was magical to see the kiddos excited to decorate it and see it all finished.

I have officially decided that we are homeschooling and I am beyond excited for this. Maddie is responding so well and I am loving the approach we are taking {I will have more on this later, I promise}.

But just in case, I am going to look under the sofa to see if my lost marbles are there {it's the only place I haven't looked yet}.

Inspired

I attended a private school open house last night. I am trying to decide what will be the future of Maddie's education. There are so many paths we could choose...public school, private school, homeschool, unschool, a combo of all of the above? It's overwhelming.

For most this is a no brainer. Which is great. But for me it's not.

I would love to homeschool my kiddos. I myself was homeschooled and have fond memories from those days of my childhood. But I also don't want it to turn out like it did when I entered the "junior high years" where I totally rebelled and insisted on going to public school, which led to a series of events which I am not proud of but which in the end made me the person I am today {and of course led me to meet my amazing husband}. I know that's really far away for Maddie, but I feel like whatever I decide now will surely have an impact in how she will  view "school" later on.

I want her to love learning. I want her to see work as enjoyable because she's working on things she's passionate about. I want her to be seen as the awesome little person she is and given the space to be herself. I want her to thrive and grow and be the best she can be.

The school I went to yesterday has an amazing program and philosophy. If only it didn't cost nearly $9000/year. She's totally worth it, I just don't know if we even have that kind of money.

Last night I couldn't fall asleep. I kept thinking of how I might create an amazing curriculum myself and the things I could do to provide an amazing educational experience. I know in theory it sounds incredible and I feel totally inspired. But in reality I just don't know if I could do it. I think I may just have to take the plunge and give it a try. I probably would regret it if I didn't at least try.

I have some time to think this over. And hopefully now that my doubts, questions and intentions are out in the universe the answer will come more easily.

Love {Unconditional}

"Mama". The word comes from his little baby mouth, in that delightful little baby voice.

"Mama", he says as he tilts his head to the side and places his little baby hands on my face, each on one cheek. Then he leans in and gives me a kiss. A scrumptious baby kiss.

I am loved. Unconditionally.

Even though I did something not-so-very-nice today {unintentionally spread some gossip..shame on me}.

Tunes

I must actually love kids music because I've sitting here on the computer working for an hour and have not changed the playlist on the iPod.

One day not too long ago, I got in the car, headed for a whole hour and fifteen minutes of yoga time, and the whole drive there I listened to the rhythms of Renee and Jeremy's CD "C'Mon" {my favorite song is "Right Now"-I sing it to Maddie when she wants something she can't have at the moment. Works like a charm}.

I love grown up music too of course, but I guess today it dawned on me that just as our kiddos love to hear "Mommy and Daddy" music, we grown-ups find comfort, simplicity and sweet innocence in listening to kiddo's music. We reconnect with the child within, which isn't such a bad thing.

P.S. Listen to a bit of this...it will make you feel happy...promise!

{I am sharing this only because I wanted to, I have not been paid or asked to do so...just in case you were wondering...}

Sometimes..

Why is it that sometimes things are going so well and then something undesired has to happen right in the middle of all the goodness? Is it to humble us? To teach us something in the moment? Or do these seemingly bad things happen because they are truly good things in disguise?

I am trying to figure this one out.

Today I had an amazingly relaxing, nurturing acupuncture treatment and as I got back to the car, floating on my cloud lined with pure happiness, there on the windshield was the unmistakable thin paper slowly flapping in the breeze. It was 12:04pm. The timestamp read 12:02pm.

The most expensive acupuncture treatment I've ever had. But it was worth it.

Parenting With Heart

Welcome to the November Carnival of Natural Parenting: What is natural parenting?
This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama. This month our Carnival coincides with the launch of Natural Parents Network, a community of parents and parents-to-be who practice or are interested in attachment parenting and natural family living. Join us at Natural Parents Network to be informed, empowered, and inspired!


Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

***
So, what is Natural Parenting to me? I have to say that for me, the root of it all comes down to raising our children in a gentle, responsive and nurturing way. If you want to call it Attachment Parenting, that's fine with me. I call it that and I spread the word about it calling it that. In fact, I think it's a great idea to give this way of parenting a name, even if it does seem like commonsense, natural parenting, because sadly in today's society   many don't see it as that. People in today's society who share a family bed, breastfeed beyond the "recommended" time, or say no to sleep training are often labelled as "weirdos". However, in my mind, what is weird is trying to make our children independent before they are ready. What is also weird is that sometimes we are told to do things to prevent "spoiling" our children, in spite of our mommy gut screaming out "NO!" Giving this natural way of parenting a name helps bring people together to realize that we are in fact not "weirdos" and helps us find support. Plus, coming together to share the love is always a good thing.

I recently attended a lecture about stress and how it affects our bodies and our health. So many of our health problems can now be linked back to early life stress. Because so much of our development happens early in life, it's essential to reduce stress during these critical periods. In doing so, we can help babies' brains develop neural pathways in a way that will enhance their health and well being. The healthy development of attachment in early life is also an essential part of healthy growth and development. Without this attachment, well, we humans can have a lot of issues later in life. Yes, it's true we are resilient, and it's good that we are, but in reality, resilience can only take you so far and can only overcome so much. Plus resilience is a survival mechanism, not one that should be relied on for normal development. So, I believe that as parents it is in our children's best interest to do everything we can to ensure they don't experience unnecessary stress in their early life and that they develop a healthy attachment to us, their primary caregivers.

Not only will this help set the brain framework up for success {so that when they do experience unavoidable life stress in adulthood, they are able to manage it and overcome the hardship}, it will also help them learn how to form and maintain healthy relationships throughout their life.

So how do we help babies develop a healthy attachment? The answer is easy: respond to your baby, be there for your baby, nurture your baby, let your baby be a baby. Babies are meant to be dependent; it's a normal part of human development. Humans need to first be dependent so that later on they can be independent. If you think about it, we can see this reflected in nature as well. The young of wild animals stay with their mother, dependent on her for food and safety, learning all they can from her, until they are mature, strong and able to fend for themselves. I'm sure if we were to hear of a mother tiger leaving her young unfed and uncared for we would label her as an "inadequate mother" and we would feel sorry for those poor little cubs. Why do we think it's OK for us, the more advanced and intelligent species, to leave our babies to cry themselves to sleep just because so and so expert says they should be sleeping through the night, or to refuse them our milk just because they are a year old?

No two snowflakes are the same, just as no two babies are. 

Each baby will develop at their own pace. Some babies will sleep through the night at 12 weeks and another at 12 months {or whenever!}. Some babies will wean early {like my little guy, sniff, sniff} and others still need momma milk past their first birthday. As parents we should embrace our children's uniqueness, but what should stay consistent is the love and care we give our children.

I often get asked if I am worried that my children will "rule the roost". Aren't I worried that my children will be clingy and not do well in the real world when I can't always be there for them?

My answer is a simple: Nope. I am not worried at all. And now, because my daughter is 4 years old, I have proof that I was right not to worry.

My daughter learned to bond with people before things. She has learned to feel secure and safe, and because of that she also feels capable. She trusts that the world is a safe place because she has never had to feel the fear or anxiety of being alone or unattended. She trusts her instincts because her needs have always been met. Now, when she has a want and can't have it, she is receptive to my explanations of why she can't have it. Because of our close bond, we have learned to communicate and be receptive to each other, which makes parenting much more enjoyable. But to me what's most remarkable is the empathy and compassion she has for others and for the world around her.

Our society is in dire need of empathy and compassion.

And the rest of our natural parenting approach stems from the fact that we care. We care about our earth, about our food, about ourselves, our health and about those around us.

And lastly {because I can't spiel on and on about this, even though I could} I should mention that being an Attached Parent does not mean you have to be a martyr. In fact, it's essential for parents to take the time to refresh, rest, and replenish so they have more to give to their children and their families. Being an Attached Parent also does not mean that you have to give up on yourself and the things you enjoy. Quite the opposite, now you will have another set of eager eyes to enjoy your favorite things with you. Having a child is a miracle, a true blessing and if we embrace it and allow ourselves the luxury of listening to our inner guide, parenting can be the best journey ever!

Remember, there is no redo button. So toss away that book or stop listening to that person that's telling you to do things your heart doesn't want to. Parent from your heart and everything will be more than OK.

P.S. In case you are like me {a visual learner, a researcher or just like to read} there are actually some very good books out there that encourage parents to listen to their hearts and their instincts. Just through I'd share my favs:


"The No Cry" books by Elizabeth Pantley. I found "The No Cry Sleep Solution for Babies" especially helpful. She's also written books to help with other sleep issues, potty training, separation anxiety and more. Check her out.


Dr. Sears and his wife Martha have many books out there on Parenting. They write in a caring, understanding way and offer solutions for parents that are realistic and non-judgemental.


If you want a good read with lots of references and studies to support why Attachment Parenting is natural and instinctual check out "Our Babies Ourselves" by Meredith Small.

{Maddie and Isaac in March 2010}

***
Stop by Natural Parents Network today to see excerpts from everyone's posts, and please visit a few to read more! Visit Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!
Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants. Three of the participants below will instead be featured on Natural Parents Network throughout the month, so check back at NPN!
This list will be updated November 9 with all the carnival links. We've arranged it this month according to the categories of our NPN resource pages on "What Is Natural Parenting?"


Attachment/Responsive Parenting
Attachment/responsive parenting is generally considered to include the following (descriptions/lists are not exhaustive; please follow each link to learn more):

1. PREPARE FOR PREGNANCY, BIRTH, AND PARENTING:
   
   • "Preparing for Pregnancy, Birth and Parenting" — Sheryl at Little Snowflakes knows better now how to prepare for her second baby, focusing on attachment rather than nursery curtains. Watch for her post, which will be featured on Natural Parents Network on Tuesday, November 23. (@sheryljesin)
   • "Begin at the Beginning" — Alison at BluebirdMama examines the first type of natural parenting she experienced: birthing at home. (@BluebirdMama)
2. FEED WITH LOVE AND RESPECT:
   
   • "Going With the {Tandem Milk} Flow" — Despite being told she would never be able to nurse her toddler through pregnancy, Jessika at Job Description: Mommy successfully nursed through her entire pregnancy, and she continues tandem nursing her two little ones fifteen months later! (@JobDescMommy)
   • "Breastfeeding with Love and Respect" — Resisting the pressure to give up, breastfeeding was the way Dionna at NursingFreedom.org persisted in nourishing her son. (@NursingFreedom)
   • "Why Should I Call It Extended?" — Amy at Toddler In Tow provides scientifically based research to support child-led weaning.
3. RESPOND WITH SENSITIVITY:
   
   • "Attachment Parenting Chose Us" — For a child who is born "sensitive," attachment parenting is more a way of life than a parenting "choice." Dionna at Code Name: Mama shares her experiences. (@CodeNameMama)
   • "Parenting in the Present" — Acacia at Be Present Mama parents naturally by being fully present.
   • "Parenting With Heart" — Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment parents naturally because healthy attachments early in life help our little ones grow into healthy, functioning adults.
4. USE NURTURING TOUCH:
   
   • "Nurturing through touch" — Lauren at Hobo Mama finds that loving touch is a thread that runs through all her natural parenting practices. (@Hobo_Mama)
5. ENSURE SAFE SLEEP:
   
   • "Sometimes I Wish We Coslept" — Sheila at A Gift Universe has started to add cosleeping into her sleep routines and has found frequently unspoken benefits. Watch for her post, which will be featured on Natural Parents Network on Tuesday, November 30. (@agiftuniverse)
6. PROVIDE CONSISTENT AND LOVING CARE:
   
   • "Attachment Parenting . . . and Nanny Makes Three?" — When Jen at Grow with Graces first started interviewing nannies, she was looking for practicalities. After a few months with her first nanny, she's going to hire someone new, and this time, she'll make sure the nanny believes in AP principles. (@growwithgraces)
   • "Do You Have This?" — For Rachael at The Variegated Life, natural parenting is about love and giving, rather than the alienation and longing present in so many in our Western culture. (@RachaelNevins)
   • "What Natural Parenting Looks Like in Our Family" — Sybil at Musings of a Milk Maker shares what natural parenting is like as your little ones grow up.
7. PRACTICE GENTLE/POSITIVE DISCIPLINE:
   
   • "Unconditional Parenting" — The philosophy of Alfie Kohn resonates with Erin at Multiple Musings, who does not want to parent (or teach) using rewards and punishment. (@ErinLittle)
8. STRIVE FOR BALANCE IN PERSONAL AND FAMILY LIFE:
   
   • "Reducing Screen Time" — How does Mrs. H. at Fleeting Moments meaningfully connect with her kids every day? She turns off the TV.
   • Also see our October Carnival all about finding balance!

Ecological Responsibility and Love of Nature

• "Healing Through Elimination Communication Part 1" — Amy at Innate Parenting explains how practicing elimination communication has helped her whole family gain awareness and healing in many areas of their lives. (@InnateWholeness)
• "Outgrowing the Little Potties" — Stacy at Mama-Om is proud to be the "weird lady" who practices elimination communication with her babies. (@mama_om)
• "Let's Talk Diapers" — Lindsey at Mama Cum Laude started using cloth diapers because she felt they were a safer choice for her child; she stuck with them because they are convenient.

Holistic Health Practices

• "Supporting Natural Immunity" — If you have decided against the traditional vaccination schedule, Starr at Earth Mama has some helpful tips for strengthening your children's immune systems naturally.

Natural Learning

• "Acceptance as a Key to Natural Parenting" — Because Mrs. Green at Little Green Blog values accepting and responding to her daughter's needs, she was able to unravel the mystery of her daughter's learning "challenges." (@myzerowaste)
• "Let Them Look" — Betsy at Honest 2 Betsy makes time to look at, to touch, and to drool on the pinecones.
• "Why I Love Unschooling" — Unschooling isn't just about learning for Darcel at The Mahogany Way — it is a way of life. (@MahoganyWayMama)
• "Is He Already Behind?"Ever worry that your baby or toddler is behind the curve? Danielle at born.in.japan will reassure you about the many ways your little one is learning — naturally — every day. Watch for her post, which will be featured on Natural Parents Network on Tuesday, November 16. (@borninjp)
• "How to Help Your Child through Natural Learning" — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now offers tips on how to understand and nurture your child's natural learning style. (@DebChitwood)

Healthy Living

• "What 'Healthy Eating' Means to Me" — Wonder how a family of five makes healthy eating a priority? Kristin at Intrepid Murmurings shares some common sense tips. (@sunfrog)
• "What is Natural Parenting? Embracing Real Food" — Melodie at Breastfeeding Moms Unite! has always wanted to give her children the most nutritious foods possible: first through breastfeeding, and later through healthy, whole foods. (@bfmom)

Parenting Philosophies

• "Natural Parenting — Lazy Parenting" — To Olivia at Write About Birth, natural parenting isn't about a fixed set of ideals, but about what is instinctual. (@writeaboutbirth)
• "I'm not the most crunchy, but I'm still au naturel" — Jessica at This is Worthwhile follows her gut and parents with respect, and that's what feels natural to her. (@tisworthwhile)
• "Because Natural comes Naturally" — Breastfeeding, babywearing, cosleeping — Bess at mommakesmilk does these things because they feel right. (@MumtoEve)
• "What Do You Mean 'Natural Parenting'?" — Luschka at Diary of a First Child fell into natural parenting by listening to her baby and her own instincts. (@lvano)
• "One Little Change at a Time" — Ashley at Domestic Chaos made one small change at a time until "natural parenting" wasn't a punchline, but a way of life. (@ashleympoland)
• "WHY Attachment Parenting?" — While they might take some work to put into practice, Momma Jorje at A Slightly Crunchy Momma finds that all of the tenets of attachment parenting fit her family.
• "Yours, Respectfully" — For Kellie at Our Mindful Life, natural parenting is about being respectful: to yourself, your children, and your surroundings.
• "The Natural Parenting Label" — Michelle at The Parent Vortex explains that natural parenting is a mindset, not a set of specific choices or a few fancy acronyms. (@TheParentVortex)
• "When Our Children Are Grown" — Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children parents naturally, because she is building a firm foundation for her children.
• "What is Natural Parenting to a Witch Mom?" — Lily at Witch Mom has planned out what she wants for her son, from health to socialization to interactions with the natural world. (@lilyshahar)
• "Attachment Parenting and Our Family" — Semi-crunchy Mama at Adventures in Mommyhood takes us through the way the Baby Bs have transformed their family of four. (@crunchymamato2)
• "I'm a Mama...Naturally" — Andrea!!! at Ella-Bean & Co. didn't intend to parent naturally, but it happened by instinct.

A good thing...

Whoazers. It's Attachment Parenting week in my world!

That's all I've posted about recently, I had my Attachment Parenting lecture at the library today and I'll let you guess what tomorrow's carnival post is going to be about...

That's good though. I'm not complaining. I have really had some insightful moments, been feeling the flow happening, and I am happy.

The lecture tonight was good {based on attendance and the way I feel it went...hopefully the attendees thought it was good too}. As always, I get nervous before I am to speak publicly, but once I get started I am fine. I did find my throat got really dry. I didn't make a point to drink water here and there so I paid the price.

It was nice to see people showing an interest in this. I loved that there were a few pregnant women there in addition to some parents. It's nice to see that there are people out there who care and are being active participants in their role as parents.

I'm excited and feel very blessed that I have the opportunity to share this info and research and my experience with others and hopefully make their parenting journey more enjoyable.

Next up is planning the first support group meeting and getting a regular schedule set up for that.

But for now I need to go to bed. This time change has really messed things up.