One Year

The certainty of time is slowly sinking in. Today my little boy is officially one year old. When he was born I knew this day would come, but it always seemed like a faraway, not so certain dot beyond the horizon. and now it's here. I remember this feeling, but for some reason it seems more intense this time around. Maybe because this last year has been so trying. Maybe because it was trying, I was not convinced he would ever grow up...that things would change...that one day his babyhood would be behind me. But things do change and he is growing...too quickly, really. All those nights I cursed karma for keeping me up all night, for having to survive on such little sleep, for having to feel helpless and not know how to help my innocent baby not feel any pain...for wishing I could do something...anything to help him feel better. And now I sit here, almost in tears, thinking about how time has taken those moments and made them all past. Made them all memories, that experience tells me, I will one day forget, not completely, but certain details...the clarity. But I hope to never forget how Isaac felt when I first held him in my arms. How he first latched on after a few tries of getting him to open his mouth wide enough and breastfed like a little champ. How he used to sleep right beside me all night, snuggled in the crook of my arm. The grunty noises he would make in his sleep that would keep me awake when I so desperately wanted to sleep. How he needed to be swaddled nice and tight so his startle reflex wouldn't wake him up (and how when at 6 months he was still swaddled, I thought that he would always have to be!). His first smile, from the beginning, so huge and so intense. How he would fall asleep in the BabyHawk and sling. How Ken would sometimes have to "sling him down" to sleep. The first, and only, time (thank goodness!) he projectile pooped while I was changing him! The first time he reached out for me. The need to religiously give him belly massages because it was the only way he would get better sleep (and not be full of gas! This still happens too). How he learned to snap my bra strap while he nursed (and still does). The way he was able, from early on, to communicate what he wanted (and how surprised I felt every time I got his requests right!). How warm and exhausted my back and shoulders felt after wearing him for hours at a time. How bright and happy he was every morning, even after a rough night. How after those rough nights I would barely remember how many times he was up. How I would constantly have to remind myself to just go with the flow: He wants to sleep with us? Sure he won't be there forever. And he wasn't. He wants to nurse all night? Sure, he must be growing and it will pass. It did. He wants to be rocked to sleep? Of course! He is a baby and loves cuddle time to make him feel safe. It will pass. It will.

So many memories, I don't want to forget any of them, the scar on my belly won't let me; even the days I wanted to (and still do some days!) curl up and sleep for days and days. One day I will have all the time in the world to sleep and I know I will be missing these moments.

I want to remember how he fit right in into our family, but also how he has made us change to fit him in. He has made me a stronger woman, a stronger mommy. We have learned so much from him and we will continue to I'm sure!

My little Isaac, I wish you the happiest of Birthdays. I am so blessed and so grateful to be your mommy. I wanted you so very much, Daddy too, and we were already beyond in love with you the day we found out you would be joining our family. And we still are. You are such a miracle! I can't wait to watch you grow and grow; learn and learn. And discover the world. I will cry at every single one of your birthdays, but they are tears of joy. Your intensity and fullness of emotion is a gift and lesson to me that life should be enjoyed to the fullest. I hope and I promise you that I will do my very best to do that for you.

Happy Birthday sweet boy! I love you!