Sorrow

"When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight." 

-Kahlil Gibran 

My dear friend and her husband are heartbroken. I cannot share details right now as I respect their privacy. But I do want to write about this because it is affecting me as well. I am grieving too. Grief is personal, and yet, it is still grief, and it is impossible to not feel.

I wish there was something I could do to carry some of the pain they are feeling. But all I can do now is send them my love and pray for them. No one should ever have to go through what they are going through...

Since hearing the news on Friday, I have been pacing, literally and figuratively. I feel helpless, as I am not sure how or what to do. One moment I want to rush to her and hug her tight and the next I know I need to stay back and wait until she is ready.

I have found some helpful resources, but the reality is that no one has ever written about my friend, so this will just have to unfold...and hopefully I am as prepared as possible...

But no one can prepare you for the emotions you feel when you lose someone loved. Yet, when they hit, you can't help but feel like life is that much more real, and not real, in a way. And it forces you to look at your life...at your mistakes...at your successes...and in a way it all seems trivial...except for those you love. They are never trivial. But somehow are taken for granted sometimes, and they should never be.

This experience has shaken me out of whatever emotional and psychological rut I was in. I wasn't even aware I was in a rut. But aren't we often in a rut, somehow? It has opened me eyes even more and flooded my heart and reminded me that life is something wonderful, beautiful and yet so fragile...that the people I love are truly gifts, blessed am I to have them in my presence...and I want to live each day telling them how much I love them and how much more joyful my life is with them in it...

I do not know what lies ahead, but I do know sorrow has touched and changed me somehow.

They're All Teething

We're having some fun times in our home this week. All three of the kiddos are teething. Bah...teething. I hate it! It makes for irritable, unpleasant, sleep-fighting children...and a mama who wants to drink a few glasses of wine to wash down the chocolate.

Elsa's the worst though. Poor stinker. And she is the one that affects me the most...which basically translates to no sleep. I feel a bit bad for desiring this, but I just want some time alone! And some sleep! Like right now, my only time to write and do stuff I like of the day, I 'm watching her squiggle on the monitor and I have a feeling she's going to wake up soon. I just keep saying stay asleep, over and over...maybe if I say it enough it will work? Maybe. Plus she's started to roll around so most nights she ends up kicking us or headbutting us and wakes herself up. And the worst part? She sleeps the soundest and the longest after her feed at around 6am till about 9am. WTF!? So not fair. I have to get up at 7. Fun times.

Isaac has recently cut his 2 year molars. They took forever. But the last of them is finally all cut through. He has been a pill. Whacking things, including people {i.e. Maddie mostly}, and just being so irritable. Oh and he has been waking up at 6:45am like clockwork, no matter what time he went to sleep. Not cool when you are trying to recover from a sleepless night with the other teething baby. I'm hoping for better days to come, like maybe {please!} tomorrow? I do have to say though that despite his crankiness, he is still the sweetest little boy--gives the best hugs and kisses. Oh I could kiss his cheeks forever {all their cheeks for that matter!}.

Maddie is the troopiest teether of them all. She hasn't really been complaining but she has been a bit more cranky. Whether that's from teething or being tired or whatever, I don't know. I didn't even know she was actively teething until tonight {the two teeth that fell our are both growing in nicely}. Now get this, she's hilarious! She said to me, "Mommy, I'm a teenager now!" I laughed, cause she's so cute, and said, "Why!?" "Because look, I'm getting those teeth in the very back you said teenagers get."  WHAT! So I looked and sure enough there is a ginormous 6 year molar making it's way out. I said, "Maddie you ARE getting a tooth, it's a molar!" She was really excited and said, "Oh man, it was bothering me all day and I didn't know what was going on." Could it have really cut out like that in one day! Only a corner of it is out, wow. I offered some Motrin but she said no, that she was doing alright without it. Then she proceeded to say goodnight and literally passed out. School sure tires her out!

And lo and behold, there is Elsa whining. Where is that bottle of wine {Not for her! For me, in case that wasn't clear}?

I got to her before she fully woke up. But who knows how long she'll stay asleep. The last two nights she's woken right up and stayed up till we went to bed.

Oh well. As I fully know, this too shall pass. And luckily as far as I know I have not gotten any white hairs from this teething hell phase.

Me At This Point

I am irritable, a.k.a bitchy. I snap at my hubby more frequently than not. Poor guy. I have little to no patience when it comes to a lot of stuff...like for example, if there is a basket of laundry waiting to be folded or dishes to be washed and I come down from putting Maddie to bed and they're still there and he's playing computer games. Arrgggg. Again, I say, poor guy, because he really does do a lot. I just seem to only see the things that irritate me. I love you more than life itself lover, but it's these damn hormones and the heat and my swollen legs and feet and the fact that I can't even roll over from side to side anymore without it being a workout. I have this intense urge to just spend the rest of my pregnancy floating in water...weightless. I wish I could sleep in a water bubble.

6.5 weeks.

That doesn't seem like a a lot. And it isn't. But I know these last few weeks are the ones that seem to drag on the longest.

But the prize at the end is worth all the discomfort in the world!

{Taken this past Saturday @ 33 weeks 1 day}

One of those days...

Today was one of those days where...

...I had to laugh because if I didn't I was going to boil over with frustration. So at one point, in the middle of a double crying-fest, I started laughing and then the kiddos stopped crying and started laughing too...it was quite the moment and after it, we were all happier.

...Maddie kept having cranky moments and saying ridiculous things. I swear she is already PMS-ing!

...I ran out of chocolate and had to resort to crunching on a combo of the kiddos' chewable Vit C wafers {they are soo tasty} and some  BBQ flavoured rice chips for comfort food.

...I had a ton of errands to do and in the middle of it we were passing by our house and I thought out loud, "Should I stop in to pee?"...well Maddie had to as well so we all had to get out and then I almost didn't feel like going out again...but we did because we needed to. But man, all those in and outs of the car are exhausting. I seriously am wondering how the hell I'm going to manage with one more? Advice please!!!

...I had to repeat myself a million times and still was not heard. It's as if the kiddos' ears were shut off. I can tell you that by the time nap time rolled around, I was already half asleep.

But it was also one of those days where...

...I marveled at how amazing my kiddos are and I felt my heart swelling with love and gratitude for being their mama.

P.S. Maddie got her haircut today and she loves it. I think it makes her look a bit older...I will honestly say that I am not coping too well with the fact she will be 5 years in three weeks...

Miserable

It started out on Sunday night as a runny nose...a typical cold. Something I had managed to avoid for months and months. But now I've been hit hard. HARD. Going on day four of feeling AWFUL. I have the worst sinus headache, painful sinuses, runny but at the same time stuffed up nose, and watery eyes. I look like shit. I feel like shit. Oh this sucks. I'm being a total whiner and complainer but I just need to vent right now. My Naturopath has given me lots of suggestions, but the only thing I have on hand is cayenne. So I just drank a cayenne infused glass of water. And now I am going to bed. Because when sleep comes is the only time I feel somewhat better.

And yes, it has been suggested to me that I may need antibiotics, but if it's viral {which 99.9% likely it is} that won't do any good.

So for now I will wait it out and hopefully kick this virus' ass SOON.

Any other tips on how I can accomplish this would be more than welcome.

A Whiny Sort of Day

I knew something was up when by 7:30am Isaac was still sleeping. Usually our little, very reliable, alarm is up and calling for us no later than 6:30am. When he finally woke up his little voice was so raspy and when he coughed he sounded like a seal pup calling to his mama. Despite him feeling yucky, he was his usual rambunctious and curious self. I figured he could use some outdoor time to help open up his croupy airway, but the poor guy just hated every second of the 15 minutes we spent outside. He whined and whined, and whined some more. Maddie was having fun running down the hill beside our neighbor's house, but I had to cancel fun time because Isaac was so done. She was OK though. For a few minutes. When we came in then they both started whining and crying and falling to the ground in utter despair at the slight mention that it was lunchtime and I had to get things ready and couldn't play. That's how they get when their little bodies are in full battle with an evil virus. Oh well. At least they are predictable. The rest of the day was made up of swings from fun joy to unhappy tears.

Oh and Maddie bit Isaac. She left teeth marks. He was trying to play the keyboard at the same time she was. Well, most likely he was trying to push her out of the way so he could play on his own. She felt terrible she put herself in time out and cried and cried. Then after our discussion about the whole thing, she kept hugging him and kissing his arm. The rest of the day he kept pointing at it and saying "Maddie bite". But in the end they are still the best of friends and they closed their day off with a nice, fun bath...well what started out as a nice, fun bath which got interrupted by a certain little boy pooping in the tub. I said, "Well lets get it all done and over today, so tomorrow will be a million times better!" Then I went to the mall to pick something up for Ken.  I offered to go because I so badly wanted the time alone. I also wanted a frozen yogurt, but by the way my luck was running, when I got to the counter they had closed the frozen-yogurt-making machine up. Before then though I spent $100 on raincoats and socks for the kiddos. And I commented to myself, like I always do, that I hardly ever buy myself stuff on the splurge. But you know what? I like it that way. I have everything I need and I wouldn't trade them for any purse or pair of jeans.

Fingers crossed tomorrow will be a less whiny sort of day.

On {bad} days...

This week has been, well, rough. Isaac has fought me at every.single.nap, even though he can barely keep his eyes open. Why? I am not sure. I think he's teething, but I always think that. I think he just doesn't want to miss out on anything. The {not so} funny thing is that when Ken puts him down for a nap on the weekends, the little stinker is out within seconds and will sleep for at least 1.5 hours, sometimes even 2 or more! When I put him down for a nap he's up after an hour, maybe an hour and 15 mins, tops. Oh well. I will take what I can.

To add to the going-ons, Maddie has been exploring {to use a positive word} with limits and boundaries and is saying "No" quite a lot. Today it got to the point where I looked up at the ceiling and asked whoever might be up there to please spare some patience as mine was already way long gone. Just getting her to do the simple task of cleaning up her toys is a huge ordeal.

And honestly, I don't know where this came from. She used to clean up with no trouble. She used to rarely say "No".

I think it's an age thing. I remember quite clearly that a co-worker of mine from a while back who has 5 kids {and is also an attached mommy} told me once that when kiddos are 4, you get a little sneak peek at what the teenage years will be like {when it comes to questioning, rebelling, exploring limits, etc, etc}.

Oh boy.

It's at times like this that I have to remind myself that I am a good mother. I am raising my kiddos the best way I know how. I am listening to them and keeping in tune to them and I respect them through and through.

I know they will learn these things too.

They just need time. After all they are only wee little things {but not for long}.

I've come back to say:


I just read Steph's post from today and it made me feel better to know there are lots of us in this same boat. Head over to read her post, it's funny and, as always, beautifully honest.

I Lost Isaac {for 30 seconds}

Those were just about the longest 30 seconds of my motherhood.

This happened last Tuesday. We were at the library. Maddie was in Storytime and Isaac and I were wandering around reading stories, but mostly I was chasing him around. Oh and yes I was on my cell phone for a few minutes consulting with my Naturopath about something. When Storytime ended the usual bustle of kids and parents and noise began. And stupid me was still on the phone. And little Isaac was walking around. And I lost him. In a nanosecond he took off and by the time my brain registered "You are not watching Isaac" I looked around and he was gone. My heart stopped beating, I stopped breathing and panic just about paralyzed me. But I managed to exclaim, "Where is Isaac!?" My friend helped me look around but mostly she watched Maddie while I began searching around. The only thought going through my head was "the library is so big and he's so little! He could be anywhere!" By the grace of a million guardian angels he hadn't gone far. He had actually walked into the Storytime room and the teacher was still there so she was keeping an eye on him. I scooped him up in my arms and I'm sure I sounded incoherent, blurting out my thanks to the teacher.

My heart started beating again.

On our way home I kept checking to make sure there were two kids sitting in the back.

Lesson learned: Do not get distracted while keeping an eye on my kiddos. Especially in public. Especially Isaac.

Today we are going back and I promise this will not be repeated {unlike the replay that keeps going on in my head every now and then}.

An olive oil story

When Maddie was two she had an incident with olive oil. It was fairly innocent. No one got hurt. In fact it was kind of cute. I will always remember her little voice telling me it was just "a problem accident."

Well, today, at 4:30pm as I was cooking supper Isaac, silly little Isaac, opened up the cupboard, reached in and dropped the olive oil jar right on the floor. All in a matter of seconds, no time for me to save the day. The jar crashed to the floor and shattered into hundreds of pieces all over and around our feet. I immediately felt the sting of glass cutting into my skin and I was instantly washed over with immense fear about what damage had been done to Isaac's little feet. I scooped him up, carefully avoiding the slippery puddles of olive oil and shards of glass all around and rushed to the bathroom sink. I left a little trail of blood from my foot. I rinsed his feet off and was shocked to see that he sustained the tiniest of cuts. Literally it was about a millimeter big and it didn't even really bleed. I am one very grateful mama right now. It could have been so much worse. All that glass...? One tiny little cut? Just one! Tiny.One. Wow. One very lucky blessed boy.

Needless to say this most recent incident has finally caused me to reach my limit. So far we had been doing OK without totally baby proofing the cabinets. But also, so far, we had been more careful to not have things like killer glass at hands reach. The major things (like cleaners, plastic bags, choking hazards, etc) were safely gadget-ed away. But today just one second of distraction (I could have swore that I put the jar all the way back in the cupboard!) could have led to a very serious injury. Ken was not-so-very-gently urged to install all the guards on the cabinets and I am looking forward to cooking tomorrow. I will still have to be on the lookout with this boy, but at least I know the last of the potentially very dangerous things are truly out of reach now.

I think it's safe to say that Isaac, on the other hand, will not be very pleased when he goes to open up the doors. Sorry my little boy, it's for your own good.

P.S. Oh and in case you are wondering...it took me almost an hour to clean the mess up. So much oil. So much glass. I triple checked to make sure all the glass was gone. I think I've slightly scarred Maddie about stepping on glass. Well at least she will be careful.

Being Tested...

The last few days have been rough.

Isaac is not sleeping well...again. This is especially hard to accept because he had been doing so well up until he started getting those 3 teeth. Plus, I think he might be getting sick again. And to top it all off, he is waking up extremely early...at 6am (or 5:50am some days) I am barely functional.

Maddie is unfortunately getting woken up by her little brother as well. So she can be tired and cranky in the morning. Making it to afternoon nap time has been difficult.

But then the worst part is that when we do make it to nap time, they don't always have a good nap! This definitely does not help matters. And well, I don't get to have a rest either. Oh and I'm sick again...or still...I have been coughing for weeks and now my sinuses are plugged up again.

I could nap in the morning as my mom has been coming over on some days, but I have so much to do, I just use the time she's here to get it done....counting on the afternoon nap, but that hasn't been working out too well.

I was a not-so-very-nice mommy yesterday....I lost my patience on a couple of occasions and raised my voice. There is nothing worse than seeing your kiddos' hearts breaking. Needless to say, they were both covered in hugs and kisses for the rest of the day.

But today, at 6:00am, they were both so cheerful and happy. I resolved to just go with the flow.

This too will pass. Hopefully quickly.

Well, I better drag my tired old self to the grocery store while my mom is here. I have lots of stuff to get for Maddie's birthday party this weekend!