Talk About Visual Representation!

Have you ever heard of Graphic Facilitation? It is quite amazing! I had not known the formal definition, but of course had seen images of work pieces online. But nothing could have prepared me for seeing the action firsthand! At the NLCA Conference a couple of weekends ago, there was a very talented graphic facilitator doing her thing...and wow, it was a sight to see...not to mention the end-result! I wanted to share the visual piece she did for my lecture, which my friend (and conference organizer) dropped off to me the other day. I love it! I feel lucky to be able to keep it!

Parenting Development: The Beautiful Complication

Personal Development is a phrase used to describe personal growth…or in other words to describes a person striving to improve themselves in some way. This growth can be anything from accomplishing a goal, overcoming an obstacle, moving past a fear or challenging their current beliefs to allow for advancement and growth. When it comes to parenting, we could say that striving to become better parents is parenting development.

Maya Angelou once said, “When we know better, we do better.” To me this means that yes, while we do our best at any particular moment and we should be kind and forgiving of ourselves if we make a mistake—true growth comes when we not only accept our mistakes—but when we can learn from them as well. And in order to learn from them we need to have an open mind, be willing to pursue knowledge and be open and welcoming of our personal growth. It also means that we should strive to know more. We should not get stagnant. We should not be content with taking things at face value, especially if these things are based on a belief (or beliefs) we have never questioned--we should continuously be asking questions about why we {and society expects us to} do things the way we do, we should be wondering how we can improve and how we can make our lives and our children's lives a little bit better.

It is also not a necessity to do things just because that is what our parents did. If we do decide to follow in their footsteps it is because we have made an informed decision, that is, we have really looked at the risks and benefits, at our options and we decided that this is the path that is right for us. It's OK to acknowledge that our parents made mistakes. I'm sure they would encourage us to not make the same ones. We owe it to our children to learn from our parents' mistakes. I love my parents so very much. I know they raised my brother and I the best way they knew how. And yes, they did make mistakes. We all do. But that does not mean I do not love them or respect them or appreciate them. But you can be sure I am doing my best to not make the same mistakes they did! I think this is natural--the new generation learns from the last. Or else, where would we be? If no one changed the way of doing things, nothing new {and better} would be discovered.

There are many professionals and many studies that have linked certain parenting practices with not-so-ideal outcomes: Crying-It-Out {aka Sleep Training or Ferberizing}, Spanking, Circumcision...just to name a few. When you really look at these practices, many of them are based on 1) Beliefs from many years ago that are no longer valid but have become so ingrained in our society and in our practices, 2) The erroneous belief that new parents have to follow these practices and 3) The perpetuation of these beliefs by people who continue to follow and defend these practices.

Many argue that there is no real way to know for sure that these negative outcomes are linked to these out-of-date practices that happen in infancy and childhood. While it is true that we cannot simply say x always leads to y, researchers, professionals and mothers involved in and who care about child development and well-being can say that there are certain things that need to happen in a child’s early development to ensure they have the best foundation for continued growth and well-being into their adult lives. And it's easy to see that these out-of-date practices certainly go against them. The things our kiddos need are: A healthy attachment to their caregivers; a nurturing, loving environment in which children know they have a say in what happens to them and know their voices are heard and they are respected; having healthy limits and boundaries but also being allowed to explore and take healthy risks and make and learn from their mistakes; having a sense of belonging...within the family and within the community; and being accepted for who they are. 


What is very important to realize is that this foundation is formed early in life, starting in infancy and continuing into a child’s early years, when the brain is doing the majority of its neural networking growth. Once that foundation is created, it is hard to change. Not impossible, but definitely difficult as patterns and habits have already been created. Additionally, many of our predispositions as adults are determined by this neural growth in early life. For example, our predisposition to stress and how we manage it is formed in those critical early years. That's why it’s so important to be mindful of how and what our children are exposed to in their early life.


There are of course naysayers and critics of these studies. But here's the difference between critics and pioneers: critics impede progress and continue to support {sometimes without really realizing} causes and beliefs that have been proven to be inaccurate or harmful, whereas pioneers advocate for progress and are usually the minority in the face of change--but they don't give up! Without pioneers we would not have many of the amazing discoveries and advancements we have today. If Martin Luther King had given up or given into fear of change--we would not have questioned and overcome racism and segregation. If women had not questioned the status-quo and advocated for their rights-I would not be able to sit here and write this. But there is definitely still more to be done.


I am not judging. All I really want is for parents to realize the importance of making truly informed decisions: knowing all the benefits, risks and alternatives when it comes to any given decision in parenting.
And for those of us that have perhaps done things and have later on realized maybe we shouldn't have...don't worry. Nothing is ever set in stone, measures can always be taken to improve our situations and they all involve love. Remember you can never go wrong in unconditionally loving your kiddos. The more you love, the happier you and they will be. Love never runs out. So give freely and without reservations or worry. You can never love too much.

Recently I was involved in a facebook discussion on spanking...among the many things I said, one of them was this:

"When it comes to many things in our society, we want everything to be "leading-edge"...the best health care options, the most effective up-to-date medication, the most advanced technology, etc. Why is it that when it comes to parenting many of us are still OK with practicing parenting methods that are out of date, even when there are other, just as effective, more respectful methods available? As parents I believe we owe it to our beautiful children to at least consider, if not try, to be leading-edge parents."

If the opportunity for questioning something we are doing as parents arises, we should at least consider it without getting defensive or feeling judged. No one is perfect. And I don't believe in striving for perfection--it's a lost cause! But I do believe in parenting development! The beautiful complication that research studies cannot really account for, is that parents can grow and can change...for the better. I have made mistakes along the way, but even though it's hard, I do try to admit to them...and I am open to change and I welcome growth. And I just have to say that I admire my parents that much more because they did the same. The parents they started out being are not the parents they came out to be. They let go of a lot of the parenting practices that they started out with--and welcomed change. They started out as pretty mainstream parents {the classic Authoritarian Parents}and eventually transformed into more attachment-supporting, natural-minded parents. I know they played an essential role in forming some of my current views on parenting and my love of learning and striving to challenge and move past unnecessary beliefs.

There is also no doubt that children push us to our limits...they push our buttons and many times we lose our patience. This is a topic for another post, but I just wanted to mention that many, if not all, of our children's behaviours can be understood with a respectful approach and resolved with gentle techniques. It's also important to remember that our children are mirrors of our own feelings, attitudes and behaviours. Thus, if we are seeing undesired behaviours in our children, we should take a good look within before taking any action: Are we feeling stressed, overwhelmed, unhappy? This allows us to gain perspective and can usually prevent us from doing or saying something we may later regret.

Being a parent is probably the hardest thing we do, it’s also the most rewarding and I think it’s our responsibility as parents to know better—to learn from our mistakes and successes so we can do better.

For more info check out these resources:
Hand in Hand: Nurturing the Parent-Child Connection
Enjoy Parenting with Scott Noelle
Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Cohen
Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves by Naomi Aldort

Do you believe in parenting development?

Needing Something

I am beyond relieved this week is over.

OVER.

It's not that I didn't enjoy it, only that it was one of those weeks where everything seemed to take extra effort. Everything seemed to get stuck. And the kiddos demanded so much of everything, I was left without anything left to give.

Ironically, even though I was exhausted every night, I still found it hard to get to sleep. One of those being overtired things.

There was definitely stress lurking around in our home this week, and I am more than sure the kiddos picked up on it.

Ken had an exam today so the anticipation and angst about it built up over the week.

I was busy finishing my exam and working on my coaching webpage and blog.

And of course there are the never ending, always there tasks and chores that need to be done.

In reality, I'm sure next week will be just as busy, but I will take it in with a different pair of eyes.

Because...

...my kiddos are amazing

...my husband rocks my world

...and I am going to the spa with one of my awesome friends on Thursday to get a massage.

Aahhhh yes....

Growing pains...

It's just not fair that kiddos grow up and keep growing and there's nothing you can do to make it stop for just a few more moments. I had a good cry today because the reality of it all hit me out of nowhere. Maddie is going to be FIVE soon. It seems like just a moment ago I was giving birth to her, holding her tiny 4lb little self. How did she get to be so big and so independent?

All this is brought on because of the approaching school start date. Technically, she is supposed to start school this year. We had also technically decided to homeschool her, and things started out really well, although we have taken a few breaks here and there {I know I promised to write more about our approach and routine, and I will!}. However, there have been some pretty life changing events that have occurred and are about to that have made this decision a bit harder to stick to.

I am SO torn. I hate the thought of not seeing her for a good part of the day. Of not being there for her if she needs me, of not knowing what she does, what she says, what she learns...of not being a part of all her magical childhood moments. But then again, can I do it, can I homeschool her with the events that are to unfold? I know where there is a will there is a way. I just need to regain my will and find that way.

I go to sleep every night Life Coaching myself and also asking for a bit of help from the Universe to give me the answer. Perhaps I already have it and just need to give it space to surface...just need to clear out the "fake brain" stuff and let the inner truth shine through.

It better happen soon, though. Deadlines are approaching.

One day...

Today I completed my Life Coaching course. Six months of delving into myself, learning so much about the human mind/brain, about yoga, mindfulness, intuition...gosh and so much more. I was attracted to this particular course because it incorporated so much of the stuff I am already interested in. But I learned so much. And so much about myself.

Wow. What an amazing journey it was. I honestly feel different. I'm still me, but I am a more awake me.

Today our instructor played an Alanis Morissette song that I'd never heard before. It's a beautiful song. But what particularly struck me was that it really exemplifies the way so many people in our society feel today.



One day, in the future I will be...
One day...

But all we have is now.

Why not be that now?

We are looking to the future, forgetting to live our lives today. And of course, we are unhappy. Always waiting for the day we will be happy.

But you can be happy now, today. Truly you can.

I am really going to enjoy soaking in and living with everything that's in my heart. And I hope I can also help others along the way...

Fake Brain

The insights that come from my 4 year are quite astounding even though she's full of that lovable preschooler goofiness. It warms my heart that I hear her understanding the knowledge that I try to pass on to her...makes me feel proud that I do have some impact on what she learns.

Probably since the time she turned 4, she's had nightmares on some nights. She would wake up in the night and have a hard time falling back asleep. I did my best to soothe her and reassure her, however, I could sense that she needed more. So one day I did a guided relaxation with her. Focusing on her breathing, I told her to watch the thoughts flying by like clouds. I told her to try to only think of her breathing. Part by part I told her to relax her body. And before I knew it she was breathing deeply {almost snoring}, deep in sleep.

Another thing that really helped her was to explain to her that her brain tells her stories. That all the scary dreams and thougths she has are not real, they are just things her brain is making up. And in a moment of inspiration I said to her, "You are the boss of your brain. So if it's bothering you, tell it to relax and go to sleep."

Worked like a charm.

Sometimes she'll still call me at night, but when I come in she says she just wanted to tell me that she was doing her breathing and telling her brain to stop telling her stories.

I just love this. Especially from my Life Coach perspective, I love seeing how at such a young age she is understanding the existence of that space of awareness where thoughts happen. I am the boss of my brain. So perfectly put.

And her insight not only stops here. One day during the flu {awful} week, we all had a nap. Well, except Ken who despite being exhausted couldn't fall asleep. I asked him what had been the issue and he said he just couldn't relax. Maddie overheard and said, "Daddy was listening to his fake brain. He doesn't know he's the boss of his brain."

Wow. Daddy sure learned an important lesson that day.

The idea of a fake brain is such a simple yet encompassing way to describe that little voice in our heads that's constantly chattering, making us doubt ourselves, telling us what we can't and can do, what we need to do, all the things that can happen, reminding us of all our hurts and fears...the list is endless. And if left unchecked this fake brain can basically take over our lives and we are left living in the past and the future, missing out on the now, on reality.

So I ask you, are you the boss of your brain? What things is your fake brain doing that you want to change?

{My Sunshines}

Old Habits Die...{Hard?}

I did not mean my post about my personal development journey to be so mysterious. I honestly just didn't have the right words to describe it at the time. It's simple, but at the same time, it's not. I think it was one of those things I was excited about, but I wanted to keep it to myself just for a little while. But now I'm ready and excited to share it. Where it all started is that I found myself being pushed down a certain path by the Universe {Life, God, All of the above?} and I just couldn't ignore it anymore. I kept finding myself in situations where I was being asked for help, advice, or even just to listen. This came not just from others, but also from me. Yes, I was asking myself for advice. But often I felt I needed a better toolkit to be able to help.

A long time ago I had come across a card at my Naturopath's office advertising a Life Coaching Training Program. At the time I had brushed it aside, but the idea apparently gained a life of it's own and decided to hang around in my brain until such a time arose where it would be appropriate to re-visit this possibility. And because Life had a plan, this time did come. It was actually about 2am on a certain sleepless night. It was not because of Isaac that I wasn't sleeping, he happened to be behaving like a darling on that particular night...and I think that's why I wasn't sleeping. I was also having crazy out of control thoughts running through my head. I finally yelled (in my head of course), "Enough!" It was then that the words Life Coach appeared on the now quiet, blank canvass of my brain. "Well, then, what's this about?" I asked myself. So I considered it, but not too much because the decision was simple and deep down I knew it was already made. When I investigated further I discovered that the course schedule was more than ideal, I had the money {well, Ken did but hey, what's mine is his and vice versa right!} and Ken wasn't on call on any of the days I would be away, so child care would not even be an issue. Was it meant to be or what? So yeah, that's how I began this current journey. Oh, which I forgot to say is also complemented by my recently rekindled love affair with Yoga. This particular type of Life Coaching is so up my alley it makes me laugh happily at how more-than-perfect it fits me. And the teacher is just amazing, truly inspiring {we actually met a long time ago, when I was in University}. It's not to say it isn't hard though. It's actually proving to be a very deep and dig-down-to-the-core-of-your-soul type of journey. Because how can you help others if you have not helped and truly understand yourself? {If you're wondering what a Life Coach does...well, they do lots. But mostly they help people get in tune with themselves so they can reach their ultimate potential and happiness in whatever they are striving to do, whether it's personal, professional or both...a Life Coach can help}.

So I am not entirely sure what will result from all this {as in, if I will be opening up shop as a Life Coach?}, but all I know is that I am meant to be doing this course and I know it will only make me a better person. And isn't that something we all want?

And to conclude and explain my post title I will say that one of the exercises we have to do for the course is to find something about ourselves that we would like to change. Perhaps it's something we do, something we don't do, a bad habit...you get the point. Some of these things are so ingrained into our way of being that we just can't imagine changing. After all there is that old saying perpetuating the notion that "Old Habits, Die Hard" and many of us add the "if at all" bit. Well the truth is that we can change. It takes time, and yes sometimes it's hard, but it's possible. So I have to come up with a plan and put it into place to change that thing about myself. It's kind of like a science experiment with a psychological, neuroscience, coaching twist.

There is much to be gained from achieving positive change. Even if it's small. So if you have something you want to change, do something about it! And if you need help along the way don't be afraid to ask for it. After all, a little guidance {of the right kind, of course} never hurt anyone.