Peaceful Goodnight

I don't really have any amazing or insightful way to say what I'm feeling right now. I'm so tired and my brain is slow as molasses. But I did not want to forget.

Tonight Ken put Isaac to sleep as he always does if he's home, and then went out to go for a swim. Not five minutes had gone by when I heard little Isaac calling, "Daaadeeeee....Mommmeeeee..." I waited for a second. And he called again. So I quietly went into his room and asked, "Are you OK?" I heard him move his head to answer {nod or shake? not sure my eyes weren't adjusted yet!}. He was so quiet and peaceful that I knew he was super sleepy. So I made sure he was comfy and gave him his soothers {well he already had them but I checked} and then said, "Shhhhshhhh....it's OK...go to sleep." I left quietly. And of course as soon as I did, he started whimpering. It's always the case: Daddy does bedtime...no problem. All that he needs if he calls out is a reassuring cuddle and Daddy can just leave. Mommy does bedtime {or comes in after Daddy did bedtime} and he cries.

But that's OK. I don't mind. I went back in to find him sitting up. I said, "Mommy's going to cuddle and rock you, OK?" He nodded. So I scooped him up and sat in the rocker and sang {well, hummed} his favorite lullaby. He started dozing. But he was super squirmy. After 10 or 15 mins I could tell he was oh so relaxed. He sluggishly gestured toward his bed, and I knew he wanted to go there. So, I whispered to him, "I'm going to put you in your bed now. It's sleepy time." I laid him down and he rolled over and was out...on his way to dreamy land.

I was left with a sense of peace and calm. Especially knowing that he fell asleep content and calm...knowing I was there if he needed me.

It reminded me of those days not so long ago when I would wonder to myself, "Will he ever sleep through the night? Will he always need to be nursed and rocked forever to go to sleep?..."

And the answer was "No." But when you're in the moment and you're exhausted and drained and sometimes fed-up because the sleep deprivation has gotten to you...you just can't help but not see the that. See that they grow up much too fast. And slowly, but surely, they need you a tiny little bit less every day. First it's for simple little things...and before you know it they are asking to be put in their beds to go to sleep.

It's bittersweet really. I am so pleased and happy that all the caring and giving and nurturing we gave him {and continue giving him, of course!} during those sleep deprived months, helped him gain a sense of security and well-being, that he now feels happy {and actually wants to} go to sleep on his own.

On the other hand, I wish it didn't have to happen so fast. I want to soak up their little-ness and their sweet innocence and cuteness...all of it...yet I feel like the days trickle by, one by one, making them grow and change. So the only thing for me to do is enjoy every single moment, even the not-so-good ones and find a safe spot in my heart to keep those memories.