Thursday, April 28, 2011

After Rock Bottom

Welcome to the IF We Believe! Blog Carnival!

In honor of National Infertility Awareness Week!
This post was written for inclusion in the monthly IF We Believe! Blog Carnival
hosted by Arpita of Up, Down & Natural.
Scroll to the bottom of this post for a list of other wonderfully brave mama's

participate in this Carnival, and share their stories of infertility!

Infertility sucks. Big time. Not only did it make me ride the horrible emotional rollercoaster, despite my strongest efforts to avoid it, but it also made me doubt my body, my self and my sense of purpose. At first, when it was just a few months and there still was no beautiful positive...I thought, "It's got to happen soon" and was completely, and dutifully in denial about other possibilities. And then it didn't happen. And it didn't. And didn't. Then I got to the point where I got mad and would ask myself, "What am I doing wrong. Why is this {not} happening?" And we kept trying. In my case, I kept trying to: eat healthy, seek out alternative medicine solutions, take my vitamins and supplements diligently, keep track of my cycle, make sure to time sex at the right time, attend all those doctor appointments, not complain while getting poked and prodded by all sorts of medical paraphernalia, to put up with the lack of answers from doctors, and kept trying to avoid having to come face-to-face with that ever looming question, "What if nothing works? What if it NEVER happens?
...all this, while trying really hard not to think about it all too much and doing my best to stay hopeful, but not too hopeful, just in case.

It got messy and confusing.

It got tiring.

And it got to the point where it broke my heart into a million pieces.

Because every cycle when I saw the missing second line I dreaded having to do it all.over.again.

And I just didn't want to anymore.

But I kept trying anyways because I knew I would do anything to be a mommy and I still hoped and prayed it would happen.

And then at some point, I hit rock bottom and there was nowhere else I could go.

How do you get back up? How do you keep living your life every day and functioning and doing all that's expected of you when your heart is now barely held together by your measly efforts?

The answer is: you find your strength.

It's in you already. It's just been forgotten. It's been buried by all the negativity and thoughts of doom.

So I sought it out. I delved deep within, and there, among the shattered pieces of my heart I saw it, barely glowing, but still alight. And I felt a sudden sense of peace because I knew it was going to be alright. And it wasn't a fake sense of rightness, but the real deal. I knew I would have to nurture the light, that I would have to give it attention and protect it. But I knew it would one day soon glow bright. As bright as it did when I first began this journey and was full of joy and happiness to begin a family. I now understood that one day, somehow, I would be a mother. But this time that understanding was different. This time I felt it, rather than thought it. And options I didn't consider before were now answers. The most frightening thought of all did not seem so scary anymore. Perhaps I may not ever feel a baby kick me from the inside, but I now saw that I could still feel my heart overflow beyond what I'd ever imagined, with love for a child, a child I would one day be blessed to nurture. Or perhaps I would one day become pregnant. I didn't know the answer for sure but I knew that whatever the path ahead of me was, the final destination was now so very clear. Motherhood. I no longer feared infertility. I said, "Hi, you. I am not afraid of you anymore. So go away and let me be."

With my strength as my ally, I saw things differently. I saw opportunities where once all I saw was lacking. I found resources and community to help me, where once I felt alone. I found friends in unlikely places because now I was paying attention. And quite ironically, without seeking it, I found myself comforting others who were on their way to rock bottom. And I gently held their hand {metaphorically mostly, literally sometimes}, because that's what they needed at that point. But when they were ready, I told them, "I was there not so long ago, and it's scary, but it does get better."

Visit Up, Down & Natural to find out how you can participate in the next IF We Believe! Blog Carnival.  Please take time to read the submissions by the wonderful carnival participants who so bravely write about their paths to motherhood, or how infertility has touched them.

You said WHAT?!
            Arpita @ Up, Down & Natural lists the 10 things you should NEVER say to someone Trying to Conceive - AND what to say if someone says one of these hurtful, inconsiderate and downright rude things to you! 
The Thought of You - My Journey to Motherhood
            Charise @ I Thought I Knew Mama shares her journey to motherhood from her very first thoughts of baby through his arrival.   
Like Gets Like
            Arpita @ Up, Down & Natural writes about ancient traditions of different cultures which support the theory that spending time with new borns may increase your own fertility.  Hormones are a funny thing! 
After Rock Bottom
            Kat @ Loving {Almost} Every Moment ~ When you hit rock bottom, you sometimes find the peace and strength you've been lacking...
EAV Acupncture and Moxa for Fertility
            Arpita @ Up, Down & Natural writes of and reviews treatments you can add to your acupuncture for fertility to enhance the effectiveness and overall sensations. 
A Skeptic's Guide to Acupuncture
            Dionna (aka Code Name: Mama) guest posting at Natural Parents Network ~ Curious about acupuncture for fertility, but skeptical of the practice? Read some simple tips from a fellow skeptic - Dionna (of Code Name: Mama) guest posts at Natural Parents Network.
Easter & The Elusive Egg
            Arpita @ Up, Down & Natural shares the story of the origin of Easter!  Fertility is the reason for the season! 
Me and My Infertility
            Team Baby CEO @ Go Team Baby!  Describes how infertility challenges you, but strengthens you by requiring at all times that you be the advocate for making your dreams happen, one treatment at a time.
My Inner Granola
            Granola Girl @ My Inner Granola writes of her journey to natural conception and healthy living.
National Infertility Awareness Week: A Guest Post - Maria's Journey
            Charise of I Thought I Knew Mama hosts a guest post ~ Maria of Life, Loss, and Other Things Worth Mentioning shares a beautiful post detailing her heartbreaking journey through infertility on I Thought I Knew Mama's blog.
Be sure to read all the wonderful Guest Posts on Up, Down & Natural on April 30th of the stories of families who have been touched by infertility.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Thanks for letting me know you stopped by!