Duh!

Welcome to the January 2012 Carnival of Natural Parenting: Experiments in Natural Family Living
This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama. This month our participants have reported on weeklong trials to make their lives a little greener and gentler. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.
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Isaac 2 1/2 years

Recently, we have been having issues with Isaac acting out physically towards his sisters. It's typically a smack or a pinch, but there have been incidents of biting as well.

Uggg.

At first we thought it had to do with him being two years old. Then when it continued, we thought it had to do with Elsa's arrival and his emotional reaction to no longer being the baby of the house. So we hugged and kissed him more and really made an effort to spend one-on-one time with him.

But when it started getting worse with time, instead of better, we knew something was up and that something had to change.

Quite serendipitously, I came across the blog Super-Protective Factor, and the Hand in Hand Parenting Organization. I posted about it before here.

Reading the info there was like a breath of fresh air. It was new hope for an already frustrated and worried mama.

Isaac needed A LOT of emotional healing.

So we began to heal.

And boy, it was hard.

Mostly because society's mainstream parenting standards don't see "crying" and tantrums as a normal process. Plus, you got to admit that having a screaming child around you is stressful when you have that mindset.

So I had to reevaluate and modify my mindset.

When the topic came up for the January Carnival of Natural Parenting, I knew this would be the topic of my experiment.

Here's what happened.



The first day I purposefully did staylistening was a day when a lot of crying and tantrums occurred. It was hard to stay present, to not lose focus and to not get angry and react to Isaac's emotional {and physical} outbursts. But it was just what he needed. That day he had 3 or 4 episodes of pure emotional torrent that lasted a long time. By the third one he knew what was going to happen, he asked me to stay with him, while at the same time he kept pushing me away. It was quite bizarre, but I knew he was working things out...literally, he was letting out all the emotional hurt and baggage he had been carrying around for goodness knows how long.

The second day was similar to the first, but with fewer episodes. He still cried and pushed away, but near the end of the torrent, he reached out for a hug and within moments was calm and right as rain.

I began to see the difference in his behaviour on the third day.

He still was a bit rough with the girls, but not in a menacing way as he had been doing previously. He now was just his regular roughhousing, active self. Teaching him to be soft and gentle with even his most careful actions remains a work in progress {He's getting better at it though, just the other day he asked me, "Is this gentle?" as he stroked Elsa's cheek. "Yes!" I replied}. But I was relieved to see that his outbursts towards Elsa were diminishing.

The days continued and he still had some torrents, to which I continued to respond by being present and loving.

It was on day 5, after he hit Elsa with a little toy wooden fork {that he was apparently using as a sword} without provocation that I realized something else was going on. We asked him why he had done that, and he really tried to think of his reasons, but he just said in a reproachful little voice, "I don't know."

I racked my brain and searched my heart. And then it came to me. As I listened across the room to the TV, it all came crashing down on me.

My kiddos have been watching too much TV and the shows and movies they were watching were presenting violence and inappropriate behaviour.

Duh!

Talk about feeling like a terrible mother!

Don't get me wrong though, it's not like I let my kiddos watch whatever they want whenever they want. They only watched TV for a bit each day or every other day. And when they did watch, the shows were things like Aladdin, Sleeping Beauty, Peter Pan, Return to Neverland, Tangled, Ice Age, Franklin, Little Bear, Sesame Street...you get the picture...a blend of toddler stuff mixed in with "older" kiddo stuff. But when I really thought about what they were seeing during those movies and shows, it shocked me to realize that even for shows and movies that are rated G and cater to small children, there are violent acts all over the place!!!

Hook and Peter Pan fighting with swords...
Dinosaurs attacking...
Princes and knights in shining armour fighting evil stepmothers and other bad guys...

...the list goes on...

And the worst part is that it was also the "good" guys portraying this behaviour.

And to a small child, seeing a violent act without the real-life consequences of pain and emotional hurt is totally normalizing that behaviour and making it seem like it's not big deal.

So I spoke with Ken and we decided to not allow any shows or movies that have any form of violence. It was hard to list them all and take them off the list because we hadn't realized just how much violence was present, and often very subtle violence. Once we did, we spoke to Maddie about it and asked her to please support this by not asking to see any show or movie on the "banned" list. She agreed.

So for a week, the kiddos have not seen any show or movie on the list. They are watching things like Franklin, Little Bear, Berenstain Bears, Curious George and Wonder Pets...and are totally happy with it.

At first, they asked for the "banned" shows all the time, but when we held firm, they eventually stopped.

I am relieved that we have done this. But, it really bothers me that I let it get this bad. I know it's because Maddie is a bit older than Isaac and he just ended up watching whatever she was. But the truth is his maturity is not at the same level as hers, and he is still very susceptible. It does matter that they are different ages. I believe it's totally reasonable for Maddie to cater to Isaac's needs and watch appropriate shows for his sake.

It has only been a few days since this new change has been implemented, so the full effects on Isaac's behaviour I'm sure will take some time. The removal of the influence he was getting from TV together with his emotional healing, I'm sure will result in him being a more calm and gentle little boy.

And the hugging and cuddling won't hurt either!
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Visit Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!
Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

• Make your own moisturizer! — Megan at boho mama whips up a winter skin-friendly moisturizer.
• Cold Water Only — Brittany at The Pistachio Project talks about how you do not need hot water to wash laundry.
• Family Cloth... Really?? — After lots of forethought and consideration, Momma Jorje finally decides to take the plunge with family cloth.
• Reduce, Reuse, Recycle : 5-5-5 Things A Day — Luschka from Diary of a First Child writes about decluttering her home in an attempt to create a gentler living space. She takes on a new project where she sets a goal of reducing, reusing and recycling every day.
• Pros and cons of family cloth — Lauren at Hobo Mama would love to continue replacing paper products with family cloth … if she could only get over how damp she feels.
• Craftily Parenting — Kellie at Our Mindful Life finds that crafting makes her a better parent.
• Changes — Laura at Pug in the Kitchen couldn't choose just one area to experiment with, so she wrote a long post about all the fun changes initiated in her life!
• Life without Internet: Not all it's Cracked up to Be — Adrienne at Mommying My Way tries to go a week without the Internet, only to realize a healthy dose of Internet usage really helps keep this stay-at-home mom connected.
• My Progression to Raw Milk — Kerry at City Kids Homeschooling shares her natural parenting progression all the way to trying raw milk.
• mama's new little friend. — Sarah at Bitty Bird tries a menstrual cup to "green her period," and is pleasantly surprised when she falls in love with the product!
• Before you throw it out, try homemade laundry soap! — Jennifer at Practical OH Mommy shows visual proof that homemade laundry soap is cheaper, easier, and works better than the store-bought chemicals!
• Oil, Oil, No Toil, No Trouble — K from Very Simple Secret talks about her foray into the oil-cleansing method.
• I Need a Hobby — Amanda at Let's Take the Metro couldn't decide which experiment to run, so she did them all.
• 7 days of macrobiotics for a balanced family — The Stones make a [successful] attempt to release the "holiday junking" with 7 days of macrobiotic meals to balance their bodies and souls. Elisabeth at Manic Mrs. Stone includes an explanation of macrobiotics.
• Chemical Free Beauty Challenge — Jenn at Monkey Butt Junction turned to natural alternatives for her daily beauty and cleaning routine, with great results.
• Greening my Armpits!? My Green Resolution — Shannon at The Artful Mama talks about how she decided to give up her traditional antiperspirant and make the switch over to crystal deodorants and definitely isn't looking back!
• Going Raw (for a while) — Jenny at Chronicles of a Nursing Mom shares her family's experience with raw food.
• Do we get to eat gluten today? — Sheila at A Gift Universe has been trying to figure out if her son does better with or without gluten in his diet … but it's really hard to tell for sure.
• Hippies Can Smell and Look Fabulous Too! — Arpita of Up, Down And Natural details her experience of going shampoo-free and overhauling her cosmetics to find the balance between feeling beautifully fabulous and honoring her inner hippie.
• Our cupboards are full...but there's nothing to eat — Lucy at Dreaming Aloud takes on the challenge of chomping through the contents of her storecupboard rather than going shopping — but there's something that she just can't bring herself to do …
• Elimination Experiment 3.0 — MudpieMama recounts the messy adventures of her baby daughter trying to be diaper free.
• Family Cloth Trial — Amyables at Toddler in Tow talks about making and using family cloth wipes in the bathroom for the first time.
• Taking a Hiatus — Amy at Peace 4 Parents shares how her experience of much less internet interaction affected her family and how it will change her approach in the future.
• Trying Out the Menstrual Cup — Lindsey at an unschooling adventure ditches the tampons and gives menstrual cups a try.
• Managing Food Waste in Our Home — Tired of the holiday waste, Robbie at Going Green Mama takes a weeklong focus on reducing food waste in her home, and learns some lessons that can take her through the new year.
• Going Offline, Cloth Tissues, and Simplicity — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama muses over her time away from blogging and social networking. In addition, she shares her newfound love of cloth tissues and simplicity.
• The Oil Cleansing Method — Erica at ChildOrganics explores an easy, organic and natural way to tackle skin care.
• Experiments in Natural Family Living - Natural Toys! — Lani at Boobie Time enjoys the silence of natural toys and being more present with her son.
• Discovering a New City and Organic Foods — Amy at A Secure Base describes her family's switch to and search for organic foods for one week.
• My Experiment in Homemade Bread — Crunchy Con Mommy tried — and loved — baking her own homemade bread.
• Menu Planning: Stop the Excuses — Gaby at Tmuffin stopped the excuses and started planning her weekly meals, drastically cutting her grocery budget and stress level and improving the quality of foods she fed her family.
• My First Menstrual Cup — Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children was pleasantly surprised with her first experience using a menstrual cup.
• My Natural Beauty Regime — Christine at African Babies Don’t Cry shares the results of banishing cleanser and soaps from her bathroom, as well as a couple of natural homemade recipes that have worked well on her skin.
• Unplugging and Creating a Rhythm: Our Experiment in Natural Family Living — Dionna at Code Name: Mama focused less on gadgets and spent more time with her family to create a healthy rhythm for the new year.
• Experiments in Natural Family Living: 5 First Steps Toward Preparing for a Natural Birth — Charise at I Thought I Knew Mama discusses how she tackled the pressing matter of how to begin preparing for a natural birth.
• All you need is...vinegar! — Kristen at My Semi-Crunchy Life learns that one household product can replace all the cleaners in her cabinet.
• Nope Nada Ixnay Negative Pass Decline — Zoie at TouchstoneZ finds out what shakes loose if she says, "YES!!" to anything anyone asks of her over the space of 10 days.
• Reducing our exposure to toxins found in plastics — Syenna at Gently Parenting Twins throws out the melamine and BPA plastics which have been hanging around the kitchen for too long.
• Duh! — Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment shares how she began the process of helping her 2-year-old son stop physically acting out.
• Experiments in Natural Parenting: Starting, Stopping, and Gaining Perspective — Melissa at Vibrant Wanderings explains how pregnancy brain interfered with her attempts to complete an experiment, but how she gained some interesting perspective as she started and stopped several.
• From Experiment to Lifestyle — Abbie at Farmer's Daughter shares her experience avoiding processed foods for a month, and deciding to make it a permanent lifestyle change.
• From Disposable Paper to Reusable Cloth – AGAIN! — Terri at Child of the Nature Isle stops flushing trees down the toilet and switches to the softest ever butt-wiping material: cloth.
• Extra! Extra! Water Heater Turned Down, Mom Doesn't Notice! — Thomasin at Propson Palingenesis finds an energy-saving experiment that's so easy she didn't even realize it was happening.
• Worm Tea — CatholicMommy isn't sure how successful her worm bin will be, but she's having fun anyway.
• Miles to Go ... — Rachael at The Variegated Life learns that when it comes to sleep debt, she's in real deep.
• My Month With Water Kefir — Paige at Baby Dust Diaries experiments with a new fermented probiotic drink homemade in her own kitchen.
• OMG Mom is Home... All Day Everyday: A Week-Long Experiment in Connecting — What a difference a week makes! Ana at Pandamoly is afforded a week off from work and takes the chance to reconnect and reattach with her 16-month-old son through an experiment in simply being there.
• Creating Healthy Family Recipes — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now shares her experiment with healthy, gluten-free recipes and a chocolate muffin recipe that was created during the experiment.
• Adventures in Alternative Haircare: No 'Poo — This guest post at Natural Parents Network from Amy at Anktangle chronicles a months-long journey into the world of no 'poo.
• My Experiment in Natural Family Living: Natural Family Planning — Birth control options are seriously limited for those of us trying to live a little closer to the earth, so Mama Psalmist experiments with natural family planning.